For the past few months my drive to create music has dwindled. Mostly because I have been working so much that when I come home I don’t want to do much other than have dinner and lay down. Then my weekends I try to spend time with my friends and do packing. Plus I still have that bad taste in my mouth about the back stabbing I received from the trend following misfits of life in my last band.
But the past week or so I have wanted to start writing again. I’ve downloaded a couple of drum machine programs to my laptop and started grabbed my guitar and started playing to the beats. I have this vision for writing and it will probably never pan out the way I want it to but I at least will try to get as close as possible to it.
I recently came up with an idea for a song. A song with meaning without words. I’m glad that when I threw this idea by Lane that he was more than happy to want to be involved. He may not be the most technically sound musician but at least he has the drive and he knows where my heart is when writing this. I love him for that. I hope to get together with him to compose something. I’m not expecting anything mind blowing out of the two of us but rather just something straight forward and from the heart. This is becoming my number one goal to accomplish before the end of April. I want to write this song and I want to play it for my friends.
I think there are two big reasons for this renewed interest in writing. One is the music I have been listening to lately. I find it so inspiring and so beautiful. I finally see that words are not necessary in order to portray beauty, pain, happines, sadness and all those other emotions. An entire Godspeed You! Black Emperor album can put forward all those emotions without a single word being sung. Sure there are bands and artists out there that write wonderfully constructed lyrics that not only tug at your heart but make you think and wonder but you can’t always relate to everything they say. Without the words it is far more open to interruption. You can always understand in your own mind. When there is a sad part playing you definitely know what it feel like to be sad and you can apply its feeling to anytime you were sad. I may not make sense but I love the way that instrumental music makes me feel.
The second reason for the revival in my music endeavor is just how I have felt lately. I’m a nostalgic person and I always look back on the past. I miss the things that brought me happiness. I regret the things I did that hurt those I care about (Yes I have regrets and I think everyone does. Some just can’t admit to it). I hate the things that have always bothered me. I’m scared of my departure. It’s just a rush of emotion hitting me all so at the same time and how better to let it out then by playing music? I can’t get these thoughts out of my head nor do I want to get them out of my head because they are who I am. I’m a mess I know, a fool probably, a lover most definitely, a friend, a son, a brother, a companion, a shoulder to cry on, the one crying on a shoulder, a dreamer, a loon, a hermit, a loud mouth, a drunk, a level head, etc. So many things that make up who I am and how I feel. Some good, some bad but all of them what makes me…me. Sure I have spent countless hours of my days thinking about how much I love someone that I don’t have. I don’t care, that’s me. And all these emotions that make up me have driven me to begin writing again. So that I can put how I feel out in music. Yes there will still be times that I drown my sorrows in a beer or ten but I’m glad I still have my ability to write music.
Maybe I’ll play in a band again, more than likely I won’t. I can’t stand the idea of someone taking my emotion output from me and making a mockery of it to be popular or be rich. I’m perfectly content with writing music with my friends just to write music.
