Goodbye 2008
Goodbye 2008 and good riddance at that. To say that this year was a shitstorm would be liking saying George W was a bad president. It gets the point across but it really is an understatement. I battled with so much inner and outer turmoil that I feel sometimes that my mind and heart just need a year long vacation just to get over it all.
The constant battle between my heart and…..well the rest of me put me in the situation where I was going to move back up to Philadelphia. But that girl, whom I try to not say or write her name, just strung me back in. For years I fought this insanely one sided fight with her and it just all came to a conclusion this year. Not only was I going to leave because of the girl I love but I stayed for her when she wanted me to stay and then just left me high and dry again. She didn’t care about me. She only cared about herself. Whenever she needed someone to show her affection so she could feel better about herself she knew she could come to me and get that. Then as quickly as she reappeared in my life she was gone again. Then the cycle would just happen over and over.
My last remaining grandparent passed away in May and it just struck me exactly that way. I just couldn’t stop thinking, “I have no remaining grandparents.” Despite being up in Pennsylvania for that period I don’t like being there for those types of situations. My mind was absolutely lost.
My dad lost his job in October when the company that he worked for shut down. He had been with them pretty much from the start. They were a company with a great idea and great plan but could never get the funding that they needed to truly prove it to the world. And I can’t help but be angry and bitter that they never got that funding because if they would have proved their idea correct a lot of other jobs would not be as important as they are right now.
These were probably the three biggest things to hit me this year. Sure there was more but these are the ones that truly effected me in extreme ways. But luckily I have started working on these things.
My dad is working hard at trying to find a job while also entertaining the thought of starting his own business. I have been helping him and my mom with paying bills until things can get straightened out. Here’s hoping that the new year brings some better times for my dad.
I eventually got past the scary reality of not having any more living grandparents. It just hit hard because of how involved all of my grandparents were in my life. When growing up we would see them all quite often, not just family functions. But I know they are not in pain anymore from what ailed each one of them at their time of passing and that in a way makes me feel better.
Then there was the girl. On November 4th I voted for change in our country when I voted for Barak Obama to be our next President and on the same day I decided it was time for a change to my own life. I wasn’t going to take the pain that she gave to me anymore. If she wanted to throw away everything we had then why should I try to stop her any longer. She wanted to toss out our almost 6 years of friendship, all the things I ever did for her and the relationship that she denied despite it being great. I just said fine. I deleted her from my life as she had done to me but by actually saying something. She always tried to avoid conflict even when it was inevitable and needed her attention. My heart is still very fragile and it will be. I still have days where I think of her a lot but I’m glad I haven’t cracked on my decision.
Despite all these things that hurt me earlier in the year and well up until the last couple months I am doing good now. Since the beginning of November I have just had a better feeling about myself. Things seem to be looking up going into the new year. I went to Pennsylvania and visited my family for my first trip up there in the winter in a very long time. I had a great birthday with my friends, though Chris was missing. Despite not really having much in the way of a Christmas it was good being around my family.
Now going into the new year I have some good things to look forward to. I’m looking at buying a house and finally living on my own. And I am finally feeling a little healed in my heart to go out and maybe try dating someone. By no means do I feel I am anywhere ready to “fall in love” but I miss the companionship of a relationship. I want someone that I can have fun with. Someone to go out with whether by ourselves or with friends or just stay in and hang out. That’s what I want at this point in my life. I just haven’t actually dated in such a long time I really don’t remember how to go about doing it. Most of the people I have dated in my time have been introduced to me or approached me. I guess I need the 101 on things.
But anyway a pretty shitty year turned into a good couple of months and hopefully that continues when it leads into 2009. I hope you all have a safe night tonight and a great new year!
