I’ll be the first to admit that I can get suckered into new social media trends without really caring for them.  Remember Friendster, MySpace and Google Wave?  They are all but the way of the dodo but I used them at one point.  But I mainly did them for something to do when I was bored.  The same rings true for why I joined 4square.  I thought it sounded really dumb at first but I just did it out of boredom.  Plus I have given some of my friends a laugh for the rest of their lives because I checked into a gas station.  I guess you had to be there.

But I don’t take this seriously.  I mean how serious can you take something that gives out fictional mayorships to buildings.  Anyone that believes in that probably believes in Santa, the Tooth Fairy and the Great Pumpkin.  I didn’t say Easter Bunny because he fucking exists!  Believe me there is a 7 foot tall rabbit out there and he’s scary as Lindsey Lohan’s vag after years of binge drinking and group fucking.  But I digress.  There are people out there actually believe that these fake titles hold some sort of social standing in the world.  As if you community will respect you more because you are the mayor of your local drug store.  If anything they should see that as you spending way too much time at the drug store.  They probably think you are always sick or you need more ointment for your hemorrhoids.  Way to go, that’s respect if I’ve ever seen it.  I say all this not out of just pure hatred for people, which I do have thank you, but because I have actually experience this sort of behavior from someone on 4square.

A few months back I got mayorship of my local Jamba Juice.  A great place with delicious smoothies that are apparently good for you too.  I mean I go to the place at least once a week, sometimes two, so I guess it was only a matter of time before I attained this status.  A few days later I lost it.  No biggie, I wasn’t booted from power in some communist country I ruled over.  Then next week I receive it back.  I just thought to myself, “Oh cool, it’s me again.”  Later that day I received a tweet from the now former “mayor” challenging me to a duel over the Jamba Juice mayorship.

Now before some of you think that I took his tweet too seriously let me just say that I know he probably didn’t mean a real duel but honestly, I don’t know you and you want to say something smartass like about me taking a faux title from you then you are a moron.

I decided to take the higher ground and just ignore that absolute waste of 140 or less characters and go on with my time.  And that was a good choice as I never heard anything from said douche again until a couple weeks ago.

One day I lost mayorship of Total Wine by me.  Again not a big deal.  I didn’t think to myself, “Holy shit I have to get over there right now and win it back.”  Nope I just kept on keeping on.  Then one day I head in there and I win it back.  My excitement was containable as I just went in and bought my beer and left. Well later that afternoon the ever delusional 4square whore that previously thought it was the wild wild west took said mayorship from me.  I would have had no problem with this if he then didn’t go ahead and tweet to me, “Short lived victory.”  No it wasn’t.  You know why?  It isn’t a victory!  You don’t fucking win anything!  You aren’t really a mayor of anything in the real world.  And if you were actually a mayor of something you would probably be the first person in this country since modern government has been established to be booted from office, tarred and feathered and then drawn and quartered.  Get it quartered and 4square.  HAHA!  I’m fucking killing.

So ladies and gentleman please take my advice and stop taking 4square so fucking seriously!  You don’t win anything but ridicule from me and countless others that live in the real world where we pay for things with money and not goats.  Oh yeah and if you have a Twitter account and only post 4square updates on it you better stop or I will send Joel Kodner after you to dip his balls into everything in your kitchen, including any people that are in that kitchen at that time.