Another disappointment and crazy dreams
Well to just say I was somewhat let down for my birthday again this year. Sure Lane and Chris hung out with me all night and I love those two for all they do for me but it sucks when you really want to see someone in particular and they let you down. But not even a let down that they said they couldn’t come but a let down that they didn’t even call to say they weren’t coming. To top it all off I didn’t even get an apology for it. I don’t ask for much I think and I just wanted one night that I could spend with the most important people in my life. And it sucks to think that a person that I would do anything for can’t even make an hour or two in their life for me anymore. I use to matter and be important to them but all of a sudden I’m not.
What happened? What did I do so wrong that my friendship let alone love for this person doesn’t even matter. Every time I ask to hang out my request is ignored, I am given some excuse or just straight out lied to. I sometimes think that the only way they would actually come and see me is if I was in a hospital bed dying. Pretty sad I know but they have seemingly taken a wonderful and caring friendship and thrown it away. I have no apparent meaning to them. They are doing to me now what she watched happen to their cousin not to long ago.
I don’t know what hurts more, not getting attention from the person I love with all my heart or being completely ignored by someone I consider one of my best friends. They are both occurring and by the same person. I have never been given a reason why this is happening despite my cries for answers. I am always given the usual “you didn’t do anything” explanation which seems so far from the truth. I have lost a good amount of friends over the years. Mostly because I decided I didn’t want their friendship any longer for reasons such as selfishness, greed and just being down right shitty people. I got down my friends to the essential people in my life. It’s not many people but it’s the people I trust the most. It’s the people that I feel that I can go to whenever I need help. I hate thinking that not only does she not love me but seemingly doesn’t even care about our friendship or me as a person at that.
Well on a different topic I had this dream a few days ago where someone was trying to kill one of my friends but while trying to do that accidentally killed 2 of my other friends. Through the dream I never know who did it or why they were trying to kill the friend. But last night I seemed to have had part 2 of the dream. I was driving with someone who then told me it was them who was trying to kill my friend and that the 2 that they actually killed were not meant to die but got in the way. I flipped out on the person and they just continued driving without any emotion. They then pulled up to a house and got out of the car and went up to the trunk of the car parked in front of us. They opened the trunk and pull out a gun and pointed it at me. This is when I woke up. I was scared shitless. Just thought it was really odd and wanted to write about it.
Well I have to work this weekend and am on call the entire two days so if someone needs help at 3 am I have to help them. Sucks yeah but I get a 4 day weekend following that. But overall I am just so down. I can’t stop thinking about this person and how I don’t seem to matter to them anymore and for no apparent reason. I don’t know what to do or say anymore. I had been thinking about postponing my move but now I feel like I definitely have to do it. I don’t know.
