We all don’t want to admit it sometimes but death is coming.  And I swear my life is moving faster and faster along with stupidity taking years off my life it just feels like it will be here soon enough.  But there is so much that I haven’t encountered in my time in this hell hole that I really would feel incomplete if I didn’t experience them.  So here they are.

10. High Kick Someone in the Head

Being a MMA fan I see way too many highlights of amazing high kicks that put opponents in a land of happy thoughts.  None did it better than Mirko “Cro Cop” in his prime.  The wasn’t kidding we he referred to his kicks as, “Right foot, hospital. Left foot, cemetery.”  Enjoy the above video of Cro Cop highlights and watch him nearly decapitate some folks.

9. Dive into a Cargo Van for a Quick Get Away

You see it all the time in movies and on TV.  Some scheme is put into motion and a quick get away is needed.  Nothing works better than diving into a moving van to make your escape.  If by some chance I am able to live this out and the van can either be the A Team van or the van from Fanboys then that is just extra brownie points.

8. Get Rid of Said Get Away Van by Destroying the Evidence

Well you got away so what are you going to do with the van?  I’m sure someone got the plates or if I’m in either of those extra credit vans they aren’t exactly hard to miss.  Unfortunately you have to destroy them.  I would go with the old sink it to the bottom of the ocean plan.  Take it to some dark quit place by the ocean and push the son of a bitch in.  It was fun while it last but you got to go.

7. Purchase the Dallas Cowboys, Move Them, Make Them a Disgrace

I’m from the Philly area and it’s in my blood to hate this team with every ounce of my heart.  I mean the hate for the Cowboys in Philly is bigger than that of the Mets, Yankees, Devils and Penguins.  Yeah that much.  So I would love to just round up a shit ton of cash and throw it at Jerry Jones to take control of the team.  I would then move them to some different city no where near Texas like Honolulu.  Then rename them and rebrand them.  How about the Cowgirls and be pink?  Then Romo can actually wear one of those pink jerseys.  I would ship off good players and make horrible pick ups.  I’ll make Al Davis look like Bill Parcells compared to what I do.  Romo will stay because he will always manage to choke and blow the season so there is no point in trying to find someone worse than him.  Sure this will probably lead to the Cowgirls leaving the NFC East but we will have our memories of hating their guts right?

6. Throw a Hand Grenade

Everyone wants to do it.  Don’t lie to me.  You like I just dream of pulling the pin out with your teeth, counting to 3 (no more, no less) and lobbing the grenade at your enemy.  And I so totally want to then jump into a bunker and put my fingers in my ears and watch the chaos ensue.  Yeah, that would be awesome.

5. Watch a Gay Celebration Outside the Chuck of Fred Phelps Funeral

If you are like me, which you probably aren’t but for the sake of argument we will believe so for now, you can’t wait until hate monger Fred Phelps is dead.  Yeah he’s the dumb ass that heads up some church in the central part of the country that hates gays, military personnel and much more.  They constantly are putting on protests outside of funerals for dead soldiers and proclaim that “God hates fags.”  So I think it only appropriate when the old fart kicks the can that the gay community have gay celebration outside of the church during his funeral.  I mean they have to go all out.  Outrageous and bright clothing, boas and tons of speakers blasting It’s Raining Men and I Will Survive.  This will be a day to remember.

4. Gianna Michaels

Plain and simple.  Dirty, dirty things.

3. Force Push a Car

So many times when I’m driving another driver pisses me off so much that I just wish they would then get into a horrible accident.  But I at no point want to ram them with my truck and there for mess my own vehicle up int he process.  There is only one solution, Force push.  I need to channel the Force and master it in order to be able to push these cars off the highway and into barriers with my mind.  No one would ever fuck with me again while driving.  Especially since I will get a custom made bumper sticker that reads “I Force Push Bad Drivers.”  Give me like 10, maybe 15 years tops to master this.  Then watch out.

2. Have Secret Room in a House that is Accessed with a Book on a Bookshelf.

Okay I know I said that everyone wants to throw a grenade already but this is seriously something that everyone wants.  I’ll have it filled with bubbling liquids on tables that I have no clue what they are.  There will be stone gargoyles and rare paintings.  Oh and I can’t forget some killer antique furniture.  This will be where I go to escape family functions or the future zombie apocalypse.  Trust me folks it’s happening and will probably be my fault.

1. Resurrect Mitch Hedberg from the Dead.

Mitch was my all time favorite comedian and he left us way to early.  Just couldn’t put the drugs down could ya Mitch?  But anyway I’m selfish and want more Mitch jokes and I want to hear him tell me his classics all over again.  So I will concoct a plan to bring him back from the dead.  Yes, zombie Mitch Hedberg will be real.  And yes, like I said I will be the one to start the zombie apocalypse because of this.  But you know it’s a small price to pay to hear the most amazing one liner jokes.  You people will be just fine.

If there is one thing my friends and family know about me it is that I love beer.  If there are two things they know about me the second is that I absolutely despise mayo.  It is by far the grossest shit in the world.  Having formerly worked and restaurants and being such a big fan of food I believe I am of the utmost authority to make that proclamation.  I mean honestly, have you ever watched mayo get poured out of a big plastic jar?  Call me when you have and you can tell me then about how much vomit you had swallow back down your throat.

But oddly enough I am not in the minority when it comes to this opinion.  I meet more and more people that can’t stand this nausea inducing condiment.  They too squirm at just the site of reading the name on a menu.  Yet despite all these fellow egg white and oil haters out there establishments continue to still put may on sandwiches by default.  You buy a BLT and more than likely you are going to have mayo on your bread.  And if you are like me and this happens, you don’t have lunch.  This pisses me off because the sandwich is called the BLT for a reason.  No the creator did not just like how those three letters looked next to each other in that specific order.  They stand for the ingredients that make up the sandwich.

Now before some smart ass comes along and tries to say, “Well the name doesn’t have bread in it but that’s a part of the sandwich.”  Bread is a give in when it comes to sandwiches.  You always expect bread, that’s what makes it a sandwich.  If you really want to get into this then I am throwing the tomato off and replacing it with toast.  Happy?

Okay now back to the BLT.  As you should know BLT stands for bacon, lettuce and tomato.  These are the ingredients of the sandwich.  No where is mayo mentioned on it.  It’s not called BLMT.  That sounds like the abbreviation of an awful metalcore band named But Life Means Things.  Excuse me for a minute I have to go shove pencils in my ears to prevent myself from ever hearing said fictional band.  Now see this handy diagram that I made below to outline this.

Now let’s say it is not an item to where all the ingredients are simply put in the name, like a hamburger.  You have no idea how many times I will see a nice burger listed on a menu with all the ingredients that are on top of it with no mention of mayo.  Yet when it comes out, sure as shit, my burger and bun are covered with the semen of condiments.  This has prompted me to have to now ask every server at every place I buy a sandwich or burger of the sorts if they put mayo on it.  Waste.  Of.  Time.  Just leave it off the damn thing to begin with.  If someone really wants mayo they can get a side of it, along with a side of my foot upside their skull for liking the stuff.  I highly doubt someone is going to freak out that mayo is not served on the burger by default.

Wait, people are going to complain.  Because this means they will have to actually dip a knife into a cup of mayo and spread it on their bread.  Oh no, you are going to have move your arms for another purpose other than filling your pie hole.  I thought people only complained like that when it came to exercise and last I check that simple motion doesn’t constitute a workout.

Is this a winless war I’m fighting?  Probably but so is politics and people still try to do that.  So I am going to keep standing on my soap box and say, “Keep that gross shit away from my buns!”

Congratulations to me for breathing life back into this barren land of a site. That is if a site could be land. In that case, get off my property! No I kid, you’re welcome here. I have candy inside. Would you like some candy? Did I mention I also have kittens? Who doesn’t love candy and kittens. Yeah you like the sound of that don’t you. Well just come on in now.

So now that I have you inside let me…..Holy crap my brother is starting to play Left 4 Dead 2. Peace out bitches!