If there is one thing my friends and family know about me it is that I love beer.  If there are two things they know about me the second is that I absolutely despise mayo.  It is by far the grossest shit in the world.  Having formerly worked and restaurants and being such a big fan of food I believe I am of the utmost authority to make that proclamation.  I mean honestly, have you ever watched mayo get poured out of a big plastic jar?  Call me when you have and you can tell me then about how much vomit you had swallow back down your throat.

But oddly enough I am not in the minority when it comes to this opinion.  I meet more and more people that can’t stand this nausea inducing condiment.  They too squirm at just the site of reading the name on a menu.  Yet despite all these fellow egg white and oil haters out there establishments continue to still put may on sandwiches by default.  You buy a BLT and more than likely you are going to have mayo on your bread.  And if you are like me and this happens, you don’t have lunch.  This pisses me off because the sandwich is called the BLT for a reason.  No the creator did not just like how those three letters looked next to each other in that specific order.  They stand for the ingredients that make up the sandwich.

Now before some smart ass comes along and tries to say, “Well the name doesn’t have bread in it but that’s a part of the sandwich.”  Bread is a give in when it comes to sandwiches.  You always expect bread, that’s what makes it a sandwich.  If you really want to get into this then I am throwing the tomato off and replacing it with toast.  Happy?

Okay now back to the BLT.  As you should know BLT stands for bacon, lettuce and tomato.  These are the ingredients of the sandwich.  No where is mayo mentioned on it.  It’s not called BLMT.  That sounds like the abbreviation of an awful metalcore band named But Life Means Things.  Excuse me for a minute I have to go shove pencils in my ears to prevent myself from ever hearing said fictional band.  Now see this handy diagram that I made below to outline this.

Now let’s say it is not an item to where all the ingredients are simply put in the name, like a hamburger.  You have no idea how many times I will see a nice burger listed on a menu with all the ingredients that are on top of it with no mention of mayo.  Yet when it comes out, sure as shit, my burger and bun are covered with the semen of condiments.  This has prompted me to have to now ask every server at every place I buy a sandwich or burger of the sorts if they put mayo on it.  Waste.  Of.  Time.  Just leave it off the damn thing to begin with.  If someone really wants mayo they can get a side of it, along with a side of my foot upside their skull for liking the stuff.  I highly doubt someone is going to freak out that mayo is not served on the burger by default.

Wait, people are going to complain.  Because this means they will have to actually dip a knife into a cup of mayo and spread it on their bread.  Oh no, you are going to have move your arms for another purpose other than filling your pie hole.  I thought people only complained like that when it came to exercise and last I check that simple motion doesn’t constitute a workout.

Is this a winless war I’m fighting?  Probably but so is politics and people still try to do that.  So I am going to keep standing on my soap box and say, “Keep that gross shit away from my buns!”